back when i was still fairly new to tumblr, i posted what my “perfect man” would be like.. i feel that it is time to update and be a bit more specific.

physically: i still don’t have a set type or look. just not effeminate, can automatically tell he’s a man. he’s broader than me. i don’t want to have to bend down to kiss him, or constantly stretch my neck to talk to him. he has body hair (i don’t mind him being bald, but hairless is a problem for me), but he’s willing to shave his armpits. someone who doesn’t dress like a hobo (i am not asking for him to suit up). i’m talking about the super loose-fitting clothes that hang off the body and look like they were purchased at a walmart.. well kempt. he showers and brushes his teeth daily. if he has long hair, he combs it. he has good posture. he lets his emotions show through facial expressions.

mentally: he’s mature, smart, ambitious, confident, funny/witty, caring/kind. he shares the same major beliefs and values i have. he is passionate about things. doesn’t litter. doesn’t have a criminal record. he likes semi-traditional relationship roles, but he lets me be me. he doesn’t carry all of my things and treat me like a fragile creature. but he has etiquette and helps out when i need it. he recognizes that i’m a fully-functioning, independent person. i also need someone who is willing to fight- yell and scream and let out everything we think and feel and get over it. not brood, keep to yourself, and then cry about it later. i want us to feel equal, not like we’re putting up with each other. we have our separate lives; he hangs out with his friends and i hang out with mine. we make time for each other, we don’t plan everything around our relationship.

also, he and my family have to like each other.

other pluses that aren’t necessary: loves to eat, can swim, plays piano, is willing to sing, has a job, tolerates cats.

i will no longer be posting text posts about my life, because i do not like thinking about it.

GOOD: i just popped my sternum

BAD: i’m indecisive (wrote you a poem, but i don’t want you to read it)

UGLY: your face after i punch it!

liked someone so much, that when you thought about him, you could smell him?

um, we met at 4:00. and i asked where he wanted to go.. but he wasn’t sure where to go. so, i decided for us. went to the park. we walked nearly the whole time. and it was really nice.

we talked a lot. but we also had a lot of silence. but, it wasn’t awkward.

we would bump into each other, flirty. and he grabbed and held my hand.

and he would say “ka-ta-ri-na” and i would reply “young-ha” and then he would hug me.

we walked a REALLY long way, and so he would ask to sit down on a bench. and i would jokingly call him “ahjussi” and then i pulled him further. and we just joked around with each other. he pushed me up a hill.

he told me that he liked me. why he liked me. he said, “you know, i like you. and it’s hard to control myself around you. because you are so nice. always smiling. you always teach me things. you are good teacher. you are an angel.”

i said “thanks. i’m not an angel.”

he told me about how A sends him weird things. like, “who do you like better? me or katarina?” and so i told him about how A thought we were in competition for him.

and, i told him he was a bad guy. he asked why. i told him because he had a girlfriend. and that he is too nice.

he told me he likes me better, but he doesn’t know what to do about A always texting him. and then we talked about how he had wanted to see me yesterday, all day. and, how he thought a friend of mine might have thought i was weird on friday, because of how i was sort of hitting kgramps.

and so i told him i “hit” him because i like him. and it was romantic.. because he said, “look into my eyes and tell me why i am a bad man.” and so i did underneath a bridge.

and then we finally started walking back towards where i parked. i think we walked 6 miles? and he held my hand, and said it was because i was cold and because it was dark.

we took a break on a park bench. and he leaned his head on my shoulder. then, after a few minutes he said it was my turn. so, i turned my back to him, acting as though i was mad at him, but leaned into him. and he moved to where my head was on his chest. and then he sort of did this back hug. then, i moved his arm off my chest, and started walking more.

he took my hand again, and i said it was inappropriate. we talked about it a bit, but we still held hands and walked. then, we finally made it to the swings, because that’s my favorite thing to do late at night. and, he pushed me on the swings. i said i didn’t like it. and so then we talked about the whole girlfriend thing.

and he was telling me about how they aren’t getting along, and how the distance makes things worse.. and so i told him he should break up with her. he said that breaking up over the phone was rude. and that he couldn’t do it. so, i asked him if he rather cheat on his girlfriend than break up with her on the phone. and he said he just wanted to do what was natural. so i told him that he shouldn’t do anything with me if he wasn’t going to break up with his girlfriend.

then he asked if we could remain friends. i said yes, but then we needed to draw strict boundaries. no more holding hands, no more hugs. he asked if we could have one last hug, and i said, “no. we must let it die.” he was confused, and so i explained, “when an animal dies, it gives nourishment for a flower to bloom, but if the animal stays alive, it will dig up the plant, and the plant will die.” then he asked me what would happen if he passed the boundaries. and i said, “i will smack you across the face.”

yeah. and so, since he’s unwilling, he doesn’t get to just mess around with me. i’m not just some toy to be played with. if he decides to break up with her, then we can reevaluate. but, until then, just friends.

the drive back to his dorm, he barely spoke. the only noise we had was my music.. which i didn’t even really sing along to like usual. but, before he got out, he said, “see you next weekend.”

oh, and at one point, when we were sitting at a picnic table, he told me he didn’t understand why i didn’t already have a boyfriend. and i said i only liked bad men. that’s why later, i told him he was a bad man.

my boobs are SHRINKING!! how is that even possible? i thought they were supposed to get bigger as you get older. they were tiny to begin with.. if my body is going to get rid of fat.. why can’t it be somewhere else?

well, so much has happened in the last week. it feels like it should be longer than that. but, so here’s the rundown: we met and there hasn’t been a dull moment. not everything has gone according to plan, but it’s all been fun! spontaneity is the definition of this relationship so far. we got his ear pierced, i dyed his hair at my home, we played a silly children’s board game until the morning hours, i helped him with homework, he bought me dinner, he made me waffles (made sure they weren’t too hot, cut them into bite-size pieces, and even remembered i hate grape-flavored things).. and then yesterday:

i went to his “graduation”, and then i drove us about an 1.5 hours to go try some fudge, because he’d never had it before. we taste tested together, and then i bought the fudge. then, we went to a cave i like, and he payed for our tickets (we played around). then we went for this scenic drive in the mountains. we sang along to my pop music and talked. i found out he has a girlfriend, but he told me that he is thinking about breaking up with her* after that, i drove us back to his apartment. i met one of his roommates. he made me korean style ramyun. then we watched a marathon on food network. we goofed around. we did palm readings, and talked about blood types. then we watched friends. before we knew it, it was tomorrow. so, i said i had to go. he walked me out to my car. he hugged me, gave me a handshake, and then grabbed my face and kissed me on the cheek*

the ** are for things that made me kind of uncomfortable. i really like him. he’s older.. by 9 years! and so yeah.. i’m not comfortable with someone having a girlfriend. so, i hope we can just be friends, or he breaks up with her. because our relationship can’t go any further without that being cleared up.

well, i was on time for once in my life.

i texted him. he didn’t respond. about 10 minutes passed and he called. i appreciate it when someone calls whenever several texts have been sent their way. he apologized, saying he just woke up from his nap (after he moved back getting together until 30 minutes before the concert because he said he had to work on a paper, which he didn’t do). then, once we got into my car, he said he was hungry. so, we went to eat where he wanted. on our walk from the parking garage to the sub shop, he got a phone call. so, i was walking next to him as he just chatted away for about 10 minutes entirely in korean (it seemed like a friendly call). once we got to the sub shop, i ordered off the kids’ menu. the cashier asked if it was together or separate, and i looked over and he said “separate.” how cheap! i payed for the concert tickets, i was the one driving (he can’t drive).. and he couldn’t be bothered to pay $5 for a kids’ meal?! so, we sat down to eat, after about 5 minutes of awkward conversation, he went to use the bathroom. he didn’t come back for nearly 15 minutes (this isn’t the first time he’s been gone a long time). once he comes back he asks if i’m ready to leave. i said yes, and we started walking back to my car. he asked if he could smoke in front of me. i said i didn’t mind (personally, i wished he hadn’t taken the call and not asked me if it was ok to smoke infront of me). then he mentioned that he was going to do his military service in the spring, and asked me if i would be studying abroad there anytime soon. when we were back in the car i asked him to help me with directions, since i hadn’t been there before. we got a little lost. i joked, “where are you taking me?” we got to the concert, but had missed the first 2 bands. i payed the extra entrance fee.. and he turns to me and says “i bet i’m the only asian here.” why should that matter? (he wasn’t by the way.) and i told him i should have bet him money, because i would have won. we stood there in the middle of the crowd, and he stood as still as a statue. at a metal concert!! i asked him if he liked metal music, and he said no (then why would you agree to go to a metal concert with me?!). he left to use the bathroom again, leaving me alone in the crowd. he came back for half a set of the next group, and then left to get water. not even 5 minutes from getting back from getting water (which i never saw, and took him 15 minutes), he got a phone call. he left to answer it, and then when i was headbanging alone, he came up from behind me and said his friend was in a car accident and was in the hospital. when i asked if he wanted me to drive him there, he said a friend was on his way to pick him up. he hugged me and left me alone. i stayed for the rest of the concert, and had a better time rocking out when he wasn’t there.. which is sad because i absolutely hate being alone. and then on my drive home alone, from a place i’d never been before, he texted me “umm sorry today my friend got a bad concusion” he didn’t ask about me at all.. didn’t try to make it up to me..